A review of "Troll 3" (?)

Confessions of a Film Junkie: A review of “Troll 3”

By: Brian Cotnoir

     The name of the film I’m reviewing this week is “Troll 3”...Sorry, I meant “The Crawlers”...or is it “The Creepers”?  “Contamination .7”???  No, I meant “Troll 3”!  Holy crap!  This film has so many damn different titles that it’s really making it difficult for me to explain why the movie I’m reviewing this week was so awful!  I mean...okay let me explain why this is so awful.                                                

The "Italian Ed Wood" himself
Joe D'Amato

 A long, long time ago (twenty years to be precise) there was an Italian Filmmaker/ producer named Joe D’Amato.  D’Amato produced a number of Italian exploitation films in the 1980’s and 1990’s, but besides that he is known for taking other filmmakers ideas and completely ripping them off in the worst way possible.  Unfortunately, for Mr. D’Amato he didn’t choose to rip off Good films, like “The Godfather” or “Star Wars”.  Instead he decided to rip off films that most people would consider box office failures such as “Cannibal Holocaust”, “Caligula”, and “Troll”.  He even wrote the “Unofficial Sequels” to many of these films, such as “La Casa 3” which D’Amato claims is supposed to be the 3^rd Sequel to Sam Raimi’s “Evil Dead” films and “Caligula 2”, which is supposed to be the sequel to “Caligula”. I have no idea how the hell he can make a sequel to “Caligula”, considering they murdered Caligula at the end of the film!  *I felt no need to put in a “Spoilers!” warning for that because unless you are a Cine-Masochist like myself, then you’ll probably never actually see the film*  But the most notorious film linked to Joe D’Amato has got to be “Troll 2”; a film that has absolutely nothing to do with the 1986 American film “Troll”.  “Troll 2” is what many people today (myself included) consider to be the Best Worst Movie ever made.  “Troll 2” actually has developed a cult following over the years that consists of people who appreciate the corniness and shear awfulness of the film, and find it to be hilariously enjoyable.  “Troll 2” is probably the Ultimate Guilty Pleasure for most people today.  The reason why, I think it personally did so well is because Joe D’Amato had very little to do with this film.  He didn’t direct it, he didn’t write it, and his only credit to the film was as a producer.  Three years later D’Amato released, what many cult movie fans have called “Troll 3”, even though many of the film posters have it titled as either “The Crawlers” or “Contamination .7”.  Just like in “Troll 2”, “Troll 3” has nothing to do with the 1986 “Troll” film.  Hell, “Troll 3” doesn’t have much of anything to do with “Troll 2”, but I digress.   

    So the plot to “Troll 3” is that somewhere in the Pacific Northwest, a Nuclear Power plant has been dumping its toxic waste into the forest.  The nuclear waste begins to effect the trees and they come to life and begin to murder everyone who comes near them...Holy Crap...did M. Night Shamylan actually rip off this film?  I think he did!  That’s probably why “The Happening” sucked so much; it wasn’t just him casting Mark Wahlberg!  M.  Night Shamylan ripped off “Troll 3”!  But wait a minute.  “Troll 3” was already a rip off of “Troll 2”, and “Troll 2” was a rip off of “Troll”?  Dear Odin in Asgard, when will the seamlessly never ending cinema rip offs end?!  AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!   

    All right, so now I bet you’re all wondering now after that giant-ass rant/meltdown how bad is it?  You know what; I think it’s only a little bit worst than “Troll 2” and the two of them share a lot of similarities.

Both Films:    

1.)    Were filmed in Porterville, Utah

2.)    Had an all Italian film crew, and cast the town’s residents in the film

3.)    Acting from the film ranged from really underplayed to Really over played

4.)    Had NO Trolls in the film

a. Troll 2 had “Goblins”

b. Troll 3 had killer trees.

5.)    Horrible special effects

6.)    “Americanized” Dialogue (I.E. they were made to say everything written down on script word-for-word, because that’s how the Italian film crew believed that American’s actually talked)

7.)    PLOT HOLES

a. Troll 3: Leaving in Day Time and arriving at Night time.

b. A boy (Matt) jumped into the river with all of his clothes on only to be shown completely dry as he walked out.

    However, unlike “Troll 2”, which has a cult-following and is actually a lot of fun to watch, “Troll 3” is really bad.  For one thing, in “Troll 2” there were goblins in the film (because the original title of the film was “Goblins”, not “Troll 2”) and that’s fine because a troll and a goblin are like Monkey & Ape.  In “Troll 3”, there are no trolls, there are no goblins there are just killer trees!  For crying out loud if you’re going to call a film “Troll 3” at least humor the audience and give us something like a radioactive Dwarf-Leprechaun hybrid.                   

Paula (Left) The Town Slut To the Rescue!
Matt The Hero Pictured Center and
looks just as bored as ever.

    The cast in this film is just awful.  Jason Saucier who plays, the hero of the film’s other acting credits include a lot of exploitation films such as “Top Model”, “Whore”, and “Three for One” and he has worked with notorious Hollywood directors Bruno Mattei (as well as being featured in other films directed by Joe D’Amato).  Jaymzlinn Saxton (I sh!t you not that’s how her name is actually spelled) plays the role of Paula, the town whore, whose occupation seems to consist of sitting in a bar all day long and offering sex to every man that walks in and sits within three feet of her.  Paula is looked down by the other residents of town, but manages to redeem herself as she is strangled/raped to death by one of the killer trees while rescuing a little boy from a similar fate.  Finally, the worst actor in this film has to be Vince O’Neil who plays the towns corrupt Sheriff.  How should I put this: O’Neil’s is so incompetent and unfunny that he makes Chief Wiggum from “The Simpsons” look like Sherlock Holmes!  His acting is so bad that he makes Tommy Wiseau look like a Shakespearean actor!                  

This guys acting makes Tommy Wiseau look like a real actor

       I think it goes without saying that nobody in their right mind would actually like or want to see this film.  The only people who I can think of off the top of my head that could actually sit and watch this whole film are people who are fans of “Troll 2” or people who are looking for a selection for “Bad Move Night”.  I could just go on-and-on about everything wrong with this movie, but I don’t want to waste any more of yours (or my) time.

*Some Photos courtsey of http://www.bloodygoodhorror.com/bgh/*