Thursday, December 20, 2012

A review of "Girls Gone Dead"

Confessions of a Film Junkie: A review of “Girls Gone Dead”
By: Brian Cotnoir

     Holy Shnikes!  The film I’ve decided to review this week is so bad that it makes “ThanksKILLING” look like “The Artist”.  You see there’s a fine line between stretching the truths of reality and full on jumping the shark.  Though, I should have realized that this film was going to be a huge heaping pile of pig excrement when I saw that the two biggest and most notable stars in your film are BeetleJuice and Porn Legend Ron Jeremy.  Brace yourselves, the film I’ve chosen to review for this week is “Girls Gone Dead”.                                            

This Film is 31 Flavors of Fail (and they're all terrible)
     So the plot of “Girls Gone Dead” goes like this: A group of 6 cheerleaders, decide to go Florida for Spring Break.  One of the girls, Rebecca, lives at home with her unreasonably devout Christian mother, who is like the mom from the movie “Carrie” except 100 times more crazy.  Rebecca’s mother begs her to not go away on Spring Break, but Rebecca decides that she wants to go out with her friends and have a good time.  The six friends reunite in Manatee Creek, Florida, but as it just so happens, the week they decided to go on vacation there is a serial killer, dressed as a Medieval Monk, on the loose who goes around murdering young, pretty, hard-partying girls.  Will all the girls make it back to their homes alive or will the “Purification Monk” send them to an early grave?                        

     This Film is pretty much a spoof of the movie “Piranha” (with a subtle twist of “Carrie” and “Halloween” added to the mix).  Only problem with this is that “Piranha” was already a spoof of another movie, and making a film a spoof of a film that was already a spoof is just stupid!  Not to mention really lazy.  All of the jokes and pop-culture references aren’t funny and they don’t make any sense.                                    

I’ll break it down to you like this: This summer I watched a movie on SyFy channel called “Jersey Shore Shark Attack”.  All it was, was the movie “Jaws” set in New Jersey with a bunch of actors who were pretending to be the cast of the MTV show “Jersey Shore”.  “Jersey Shore Shark Attack” was funny because it was making fun of “Jaws” and “Jersey Shore”.  Compare that to “Girls Gone Dead” where they were making fun of “Girls Gone Wild”. The big problem with that is nobody outside of College Frat Boys likes, or even watches, Girls Gone Wild.  At least with the “Jersey Shore” there are people who like the show and will defend it against people who say it’s a “stupid” or “bad” show, but not “Girls Gone Wild”.  You will never hear anyone refer to “Girls Gone Wild” as quality entertainment.                    

This Girl is a Horrible Actress (emphasis on the 1st syllable)
I swear the way this film probably came to be was that the films two directors, Michael Hoffman Jr. and Aaron T. Wells, wanted to get some College Girls to take their clothes off so they promised them they could be a Horror Movie, and they actually made this film to have fun at a bunch of wannabe actor’s expense.  That’s just the vibe I got from watching the movie, and you know what I bet I’m not too far off on what was the film’s original intention.  This Film is probably set in the alternate universe where nobody’s I.Q. exceeds 75, and every couple of sentences has to include the term “F*ck Yeah, B!tches! I think the films directors, actors, and crew should all just go back to doing what their good at—making low-budget porno’s, and leave the filmmaking and acting to the professionals.               

Oh Yeah, Professional
Wrestler Jerry "The
King" Lawler is in it to
    “Girls Gone Dead” has cheesy special effects, horrible dialogue, and even worst acting, and should not be viewed by anyone under any circumstance whatsoever.  If you’ve learned anything from this review it should be to skip “Girls Gone Dead” and go check out “Jersey Shore Shark Attack”.  Seriously people what more could you ask for?  I stopped you from wasting two-hours of your life on this horrible movie, and I recommended and even better and more enjoyable film for you to watch instead.  So go do it.

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