Tuesday, August 28, 2012

5 Reasons why "Teen Witch" is the Worst Film you could ever let your children watch

Confessions of a Film Junkie: 5 Reasons why “Teen Witch” is the worst movie you could ever let your children watch

By: Brian Cotnoir

It made my brain bleed!
If you were a white suburbanite child in the 80’s-early 1990’s, chances are you’ve seen this film at least once in your life. Maybe you saw it theatres?  Maybe you saw it on television during Halloween? Or if you’re like me you had an older sister who couldn’t rent a good horror movie from the Blockbuster if their life depended on it.  For the time the film was made/released this was considered a “safe” film; No Drugs, no swearing, No Sex, No Violence, and was ideal for any child who lived in a sheltering suburban Christian home.  This is easily one of the worst movies I have ever forcefully tortured myself to watch, so I hope you all appreciate that I’m trying to prevent most of you from being na├»ve enough to show this “harmless” movie to your children.  In all honesty this is probably the worst film you could ever let your children watch.

1.)    There are No REAL Witches in the Film

The closest thing to Witch we get in the film
You would think that with a film called “Teen Witch” the film would feature, oh I don’t know...A GOD DAMN WITCH, but no.  In this film our main character, Louise, is just told one day that she’s a witch and that she will receive her powers on her 16th birthday, and that’s pretty the biggest witch related theme we get in this film.  What’s really annoying about this is that Louise shows no real interest, initially, in being a witch.  At least in a film like “The Craft” all the girls at least show an interest or a desire to become real witches with real powers, but in “Teen Witch” our witch’s powers are limited to every day expressions being taken out of context (For example: She says to a boy; “I wish you would go away and leave me alone”, and he vanishes without a trace).  Those are some really stupid powers.

2.)    There are A TON of random and pointless scenes in this film.

This film has such a bad lay out.  There are random scenes throughout the film that take you away from the plot and then once that scene is done with they are never referenced again.  You could make a drinking game out of how many random and pointless scenes this film has.  Even children with severe A.D.H.D. would throw up their hands and proclaim “what the heck was the point of that”.  This film has countless random musical number scenes that have zero relevance to the plot.  Don’t believe me?  Click on the link below and check out this random scene in the film


3.)    This film is just insulting to Human intelligence

“Teen Witch” has horrible dialogue, countless unrealistic scenarios, and is totally un-relatable to teenagers of any generation.  That was a big theme with this film was that the people watching this film (particularly the females) were supposed to be able to relate to our main character, but everything that happens to Louise is so over-the-top and overplayed that I don’t think anybody can relate to it.  Is there any teenage girl who can honestly say that not a single person showed up to their 16th birthday party, or had parents that were so out of touch they made you wear elderly person clothes to school, or had a teacher who read an entry from her private diary aloud to the entire class?  The way teachers are portrayed in the film range from completely out of touch to just plain cruel.  This film is like a 3rd graders interpretation of what High School life is like.  “Teen Witch” is so stupid and unrealistic that I’m sure it’s what caused Bert V. Royal to have the wet-dream that inspired him to write “Easy A”.  I honestly feel insulted at some points watching this film.  I feel that “Teen Witch” is to white suburbia what “Leprechaun in Da Hood” is to the black inner city, it’s just so stereotypical and ridiculous.

4.)    “Teen Witch” teaches girls selfishness, vanity, and petty jealousy

So Louise, finds out that she’s a witch and that on her 16th birthday she will receive powers, and what does she do with her powers?  She uses her powers to make sure she has the most “stylish” clothes; she makes herself popular, and makes the most popular boy in school leave the most popular girl in school and starts dating him; those are all pretty selfish and vane things in my opinion.  Not to mention she ruined a relationship because she wanted this one boy who was in already in a relationship with another girl.  Louise doesn’t use her powers for revenge, or to teach people valuable lessons, or to help out her friends and loved ones, she instead chooses to use her new powers for her own selfish gains and desires.  What a horrible lesson to teach to a young girl.
Louise is a terrible role model in this film!


So remember how earlier in this review I said there were a ton of pointless random musical numbers, well half of those numbers are dominated by this trio of white rappers that make Vanilla Ice look like Dr. Dre!  This is probably the earliest known version of the “Wigger” and in my opinion these three boy-band rejects are the worst part of this film, and saying that you’re the worst part of one of the worst films means you’ve got to be pretty fucking horrible:  Don’t Believe me?  Just watch the Video Below and watch the horrors that ensue!


Thursday, August 16, 2012

5 Reasons Why I Think "Crank 2" is the Greatest Movie Ever Made

Confessions of a Film Junkie: Five Reasons Why I Think “Crank 2” is the Greatest Movie Ever Made!

     It is a question as old as the Age of Film: What’s the Greatest Movie Ever Made?  Most people would loudly proclaim films like “Citizen Kane”, “Vertigo”, “The God Father, or “Titanic” to be the greatest movie ever made.  I would respectfully disagree.  All though I think the above mentioned films are good and influential, I don’t think any of them hold a candle to the awesomeness that is “Crank 2: High Voltage”.  Since seeing this film for the first time about a month ago, it has replaced “Cashback” as my favorite film, and I would even go so far as to argue that it is also the greatest movie ever made.  What about this film is so great I think it deserves such a prestigious title?  Well, I’ve come up with 5 Good Reason, so enjoy, and learn why you to should believe that “Crank 2: High Voltage” is the greatest movie ever made.

1.)    ACTION!!!

This movie has soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much action!  The film carries on form the first “Crank” movie, which shows our protagonist, Chev Chelios” surviving a fall from a freaking helicopter!  From that point on the action just progresses.  Throughout this film there is just scene after scene of constant action; We see Jason Statham being placed in multiple scenes of danger and being constantly electrocuted, blazing gun fights, a hooker being run over by a car, high speed car chases, and a guy being sodomized with a shot gun, and this film does not take any breaks from the action.  You have to be honest with yourself that even in your personal favorite movie there’s a scene or two that you find really boring and contemplate fast forwarding through or skipping it entirely each time you watch it.  “Crank 2: High Voltage” provides so much action then there isn’t time to be bored or be left un-entertained.

2.)    The Cast

This film features Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Dwight Yoakam, Efren Ramirez (aka Pedro from “Napoleon Dynamite”), and Bai Ling as some of its main characters.  That’s freaking awesome, but it also features dozens of great celebrity cameos, whichI am a huge fan of.   “Crank 2: High Voltage” has a lot of celebrity cameos that include many greats such as The Late David Carradine & Corey Haim, Clifton Collins Jr., Geri Haliwell (Of the Spice Girls), Ron Jeremy, UFC Fighter Keith Jardine, and Linkin Park frontman Chester Bennington.  Even the actors that don’t have few to no lines are memorable?  How many films can you name where you can honestly say to yourself, “that extra standing in the background was so memorable” ?.

3.)    One-Liners

Most People hate films that use one-liners.  I on the other hand happen to find them quite enjoyable.  I like them almost as much as I enjoy quirky celebrity cameos. This film has a number of outrageously hilarious lines such as:
·         “What is that fucking cunt-anese”,
·         “Is Doc Miles going to have to choke a bitch”,  
·         “Whose got my fucking strawberry tart”,
·         “That’s Japanese, El Torito.  Chinese don’t eat that shit”
·         “You are my shiny lunch box”
·         “Did I drop some change or did I just hear a CHINK!”
·         “You want me to drop the hammer”
·         “I’d bet my grandma’s coochie that he’s down at the race track”
·         And my personal favorite “Chicken & Broccoli”

The List outrageous one-liners goes on, but those were just a few of my personal favorites.

4.)    For a Made Up Sequel It Holds up pretty nicely

It’s no surprise that the acting/directing duo of Mark Neveldine & Brian Taylor did not intend for there to be a sequel to the original “Crank” film, but much to my surprise their attempts to write a sequel to the first “Crank” movie holds up pretty nicely.  This films not like an “Evil Dead 2” or a “Devils Rejects” were they are implied sequels, but the stories don’t really sync up well, it’s an actual sequel.  I only really found two major plot holes in the second film, and they were both not mentioning two new characters in the first film that were implied that we should have known in the second film.  I mean at the end of the first film (Spoilers!) When Chev Chelios falls out of the helicopter, they don’t ever imply that he died, so it gave the creative team of Neveldine & Taylor an ideal opportunity to write a sequel, and I think they did a great job and they should be proud (and so help me God they better be working on a “Crank 3” right now!)

5.)    How Seriously it takes itself

This films story is crap, the dialogue is a extremely cheesy, and it is so over-the top and ridiculous to the point of stupidity...but damn it everyone still gave it their 100% best effort.  The writers/directors new this film was a joke, the actors new this film was a joke, and I’m pretty sure the studio new this film was going to be a joke, but I am still very impressed that all the actors and the film crew put together a film that takes itself seriously and clearly shows they put a lot of effort and professionalism into the making of this film, and this reason alone should be enough to convince you that this is the GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

A Review of "A Serbian Film"

Confessions of a Film Junkie: A Review of “A Serbian Film”
By: Brian Cotnoir

     Back when I used to post weekly film reviews on blogspot and facebook, I would always ask my friends and anyone else who read my film reviews to recommend films that they would like me to review.  The second most popular film that I was requested to review was a foreign film, simply entitled “A Serbian Film”.  I got a synopsis of the story from someone I used to work with, and I was so appalled by some of the things he told me, that I flat out refused to ever review this film.            
    One year later, another co-worker and I were reminiscing about the first time we watched Ruggero Deodato’s “Cannibal Holocaust”, he simply asked “I wonder if there’s anything more violent then [Cannibal Holocaust”, too which I replied, “Oh yes, there is.”  After a couple weeks he convinced me that we should give it a try.  In the days leading up to the films screening, I was absolutely terrified as too what horrors I would have to endure to get through the Director’s Cut in just one sitting.  Now that it’s over, here is my review.     
Boo Yeah! Made I through This Film in Just One Sitting!
     So here’s the background to the film first:  A retired Serbian Porn star, named Milos, is living a typical suburban life with his wife and young son.  Milos and his wife are having some financial issues.  Since Milos is retired he and his wife don’t have occupations, and are living off of the money Milos form his porn films.  However, the money is drying up quicker than Milos and his wife had ever expected, so Milos is approached by an old friend/porn star who tells him of a man named Vukmir who is planning “a New Age of Porn” and wants Milos to be his star.  Milos agrees to do it and in exchange Vukmir promises to make Milos wealthy enough that he won’t have to worry about money “until his son is a full-grown man”.  Unfortunately, for Milos, Vukmir has something much darker in store for Milos, and everyone he is close to.                 
     Now without giving away too many spoilers, I want to tell say that Yes, this is a graphic movie, and No, it is not the most violent movie I’ve ever seen.  For the first half of a movie, it’s pretty boring. It’s just Milos and his family living day-to-day life; they are pretty much regular average people.  As the film progresses, however, it gets more and more violent.  People die some pretty horrendous deaths in this film, and a good portion of them are related to/or caused by sexual pleasure.  I didn’t have much of a problem with the graphic deaths because they weren’t just violent for the sake of being violent.  The graphic violence in the film, to me, represents Vukmir’s mental and sexual control over his actors and film crew, and we later find out that before becoming a Pornographer, Vukmir used to be a psychologist, so that would explain why he has this “Puppet-Master” like control over everyone in the film.      
    I am NOT a fan of rape scenes in movies, typically when one is happening in a film, I’ll look away or fast forward the film.  There are three rape scenes (that I counted) in this film, and for two of the rape scenes the victims were unconscious.  So for the most part they’re not typical in the sense that they show their victims being forced against their will or tortured because they’ve been drugged unconscious and have no idea what is going on or happening to them.  One of those scenes shows Milos stumbling upon a tape of him being sexually assaulted by one of Vukmir’s Male workers while he was heavily sedated, and Milos until seeing this tape had no memory or any idea that he had been sexually assaulted.                                         
    This film does break a lot of taboo’s on what you should and should not show in films, but they do actually draw a line at pedophilia.  One of the (many) horrible things Vukmir tries to convince Milos to do is have sex with a very young girl on camera, and Milos flat out refuses to.  Milos is so against the idea of pedophilia in film that there a part in the film where he actually holds a knife to his own genitals and threatens to cut it off if Vukmir does not let him leave.  He agrees to let Milo’s go, but devises a plan to get his scene of pedophilia in a way that is sure to humiliate Milos and his entire family.       
    So is this film really as violent and as horrible as everyone says?  In my opinion, no.  I think “Cannibal Holocaust” was way more graphic and violent then “A Serbian Film”.  Yes, there were a few parts in the film that made me cringe and look away from the screen in terror, but overall the film had a good story, good actors, and for the most part the violence had relevance to the plot, and was done in good taste—at least in my opinion.  I would not consider this film controversial, but I would not recommend this film to anyone who is under the age of eighteen.