Monday, April 6, 2015

A review of "The Last House on Cemetery Lane

Confessions of a Film Junkie: A review of “The Last House on Cemetery Lane”

By: Brian Cotnoir

     Good news “The Mooring”; you’re no longer the Most Boring Horror film I’ve ever sat through, not after sitting through the 2015 film “The Last House on Cemetery Lane”.  And trust me; this film is so boring that’ll put you to sleep faster and better than Nyquil.  Let’s not waste any more time, and dive into the Horror Snoozefest that is “The Last House on Cemetery Lane”.         
So the film opens up with a Real Estate Agent played by an actress who looks like he/she got a botched sex change operation from the same doctor who did Bruce Jenner’s, showing a new rental property to a client named John Davies who is looking for a getaway so he work on his Horror screenplay (UGH!).  However, this new property comes with one small condition: the 3rd floor of the house is permanently rented out to an elderly blind woman named Agnes.  John is not happy, because he wanted to be left alone to work on his screenplay, but the Real Estate Agent assures him that Agnes will be no trouble at all.  So John moves in and tries to work on his screenplay, but he finds it difficult to focus on his work, and he finds himself being charmed by a cute neighbor, named Cassie. Not only that, but some bizarre things began to happen around the house, and John begins to suspect that it may be Agnes, or quite possibly something more sinister a foot.  
Do whatever you want to me just dont
make me watch this stupid film again!
Oh. Your. God!  This film is so boring! Like, I could not believe how frustratingly boring it was at times.  I did not think I could quite possibly find a Horror film more boring than “The Mooring”, but this one surpasses by far.  The conversations between the characters John and Cassie have to be the Most Boring thing I’ve ever seen heard in a film, I was finding it hard not to doze off while watching this.  There conversations remind me a lot of the conversations between Eli and Amanda from the film “Last Kind Words”, and what I mean by that is, they’re just mindless ramblings about life and have no effect on the plot whatsoever.  It truly is the most agonizing part of an already terrible film.  Not only that, but there isn’t one moment of scariness or intensity this entire film.  The “nightmare” sequences in the film aren’t the least bit terrifying and look like some weird Art-House style film made by someone who flunked out film school!  At least in a film like “Blood Runs Cold”—which also has a lot of nothingness going on it it—it at least had a creative and interesting killer!  But “The Last House on Cemetery Lane” has absolutely nothing to offer its audiences!      
Awful!  All of you are just awful!
As for the characters, I hate them all!  John Davies has got to be one of the Worst Protagonists ever in a film, and the thing I hate about him the most is that his character is a “Horror Screenwriter”.  I hate when the main character in a film is a person who writes others films, because that’s just lazy writing and poor character development.  Yeah, it works for Stephen King when he writes a story, but hey that’s Stephen F*cking King, he can get away with doing something like that because he’s a beloved Horror writer!  As for the character Cassie...I feel like you could’ve gotten rid of 80% of her scenes, and it wouldn’t have affected the plot in the slightest bit, and it would’ve prevented me from bashing my head against the wall during the excruciatingly pointless conversations between her and John.  As for Ms. Connelly (the Real Estate Agent) and Agnes, the only thing I remember about their characters is that they were both hideous, and I’m not sure if that was because of good make-up work, or if because they’re both really that ugly, but yeah, that was really the only memorable thing about either of them.                               
     The thing that concerns me the most about “The Last House on Cemetery Lane” is how it was first presented to me:  I found this film on Netflix, and when I saw the star rating on it, it had all 5-Stars filled in, and came HIGHLY recommended to me, based on the films I’ve rated on the site, and so I was expecting to see the next, best, unknown Horror film, and what I got was a Nyquil in DVD form!  There are only two reasons I could think of for why anybody would possibly want to see “The Last House on Cemetery Lane”: 1.) A Person suffers from severe insomnia and is looking for something to help them fall asleep or 2.)If you ever have to take care of a person who has suffered severe brain damage and you need to put something on for background noise to distract them while you do work around the house.  Other than those two types of people nobody will benefit or gain anything from watching “The Last House on Cemetery Lane”, without a doubt one of the worst and most boring Horror films I have sat through to date.

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