Wednesday, November 13, 2013

A review of "House of Bodies"

Confessions of a Film Junkie: A review of “House of Bodies”

By: Brian Cotnoir

When an actor stars in a film that they also produced you have to assume that they really believe in the project.  It’s not like the film is just another paycheck to them, so they don’t care how the film turns out; they’re putting their own money on the line, and they’re hoping to get a good return on their investment.  Besides a reasonable budget and a good script, you don’t need much, but if you manage to land a couple of Oscar® Nominated Actors for your film it couldn’t hurt your film right?  You take all of the elements and you’ll come out with a top notch low-budget Horror film, right?  Wrong!  No matter how many good actors and how much money you invest in a film, if it’s anything remotely like “House of Bodies” it is going to be a piece of sh!t movie.  So let’s take a look at this week’s film “House of Bodies”.                                   
What is wrong with some people?
    “House of Bodies” was released in 2013, and features the acting talents of Terrance Howard, Peter Fonda, and Queen Latifah (who was also one of the films financiers).  The plot to the film is actually kind of unique:  The house where a notorious fictional Serial Killer committed his crimes, was purchased by some weird Goth chick and she put cameras in every room, and started a live voyeur website, where men can pay to have beautiful women strip live on camera and re-enact the horrendous murders and any other sick twisted fantasy’s they may have.  However, the new girl Kelli, and her top client, a Deaf Teenage boy named Kyle, suspect that the violence on the website may not be fake, and they may actually be in actual danger.             
    I haven’t done any research on Google or anything like that, but I would not be surprised if there was a Porn-site like this on the internet.  The idea to the film sounds like a Sigmund Freud Wet-Dream.  However, it is very weak in its execution.  Part of the film deals with the actual murders while another part deals with a Detective asking a notorious Serial Killer, Henry Lee Bishop (a reference to real life American Serial Killer Henry Lee Lucas) for help because he thinks the killer he is looking for is copying Bishop’s crimes.  It jump’s back in forth from the two main stories and it all seems too clustered and confusing.  The story just doesn’t flow very well because it’s almost like two completely different films playing at the same time.                                              
    Now it’s time for my favorite part of the film reviews:  Attacking the actors performances:  The two main characters, Kelli & Kyle (played by Alexz Johnson and Harry Zittel) spend the majority of their time on camera acting cute together and bonding over a webcam.  They are both really boring.  Like so boring, that I honestly believe that they forgot they were the protagonists of this film and just stopped caring altogether about giving a competent performance.  But they’re both nobody actors, I suppose, and the real attention in this film belongs to its stars, like Terrance Howard.                          
Still glad you left the "Iron Man" Franchise?
Terrance Howard plays Detective Starks in the film.  He spends a good deal of his screen time questioning the killer Henry Lee Bishop, but in all actuality he’s not in the film that much.  Hey Terrance Howard, this is what you gave up the “Iron Man” Franchise for?  You just weren’t going to take a pay cut, so you let Don Cheadle walk in and steal all the fame, popularity, and glory, huh?  How’s that working out for you now?  This film is sh!t and you know it.  Next time, don’t let your ego get in the way of your work selection.  In 5 years you’re films managed go from A-List to the very bottom of the D-List.       
Why Peter Fonda?  Why?

    Then there’s Peter Fonda.  He plays the incarcerated Serial Killer Henry Lee Bishop.  His character gives off the Hannibal Lecter vibe but believe me he comes from giving an equal performance to Anthony Hopkins, but you can just tell from watching him that he is trying so hard to be like Anthony Hopkins in “Silence of the Lambs”.  His main purpose in the film is to talk to Detective Starks and hopefully give him clues to how he can catch the copy-cat killer.   Seriously Peter Fonda, what happened to you?  You’re a Hollywood Legend. Why did you take a role in this awful film?  It’s almost as bad as when you took that part in “Thomas & the Magic Railroad”.  What were you thinking?  Did you honestly believe in this film or were you just desperate for a paycheck.  You deserve better, Mr. Fonda.  Not only that but we all know that you are capable of doing better than some crappy straight to DVD Horror film.              
Fail to the Queen!
Now let’s talk about Queen Latifah.  Not only did she produce this piece of garbage film, but she also has a part in the film as well.  A part that takes up a whopping 3 minutes of screen time.  I can’t even bash her acting because she’s in this film so little, so I’ll make fun of her decision to co-finance this cine-massacre.  So Queen Latifah, what’d you use to finance this film: The DVD Sales from “Barbershop 2” (OOOOOOOHHHH!!!! I just went there, Burn!).  No, but in all seriousness, Queen Latifah you wasted your money financing this crappy film.              
    “House of Bodies” is easily one of the crappiest films I have watched this year, and I think will be a top contender for my Year End Award for “Worst Film of the Year”.  I’m just thankful that this film’s run time is only 78 minutes, because if I had to sit through a full 90+ minutes like most other films I review for this blog, I might have started bashing my head against the wall, so I wouldn’t have to finish it.  Don’t waste your time on this film, people, IT. SUCKS!

13 comments:

  1. So pretty much Silence of the Lambs meets Suicidegirl.com?

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    1. No Silence of the Lambs is a Good film and the suicide girls are (somewhat) classy. This is more like Hannibal meets some weird awful, low resolution Eastern European porn site

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    2. U give a good description of the film and you come off as a Very good film critic until you get personal it's really none of our business who or why someone will or won't take a pay cut, nor is it your business??? Stick to the Film, Stay in your lane, and Thank You!

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  2. I always crack up when you tell me things like suicide girls and playboy are classy

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  3. I agree. This movie sucks sucks sucks. Why,Terrance Howard??? I cant even describe how horrible this movie is.

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    1. It is atrocious (and i sat through movie 43 in one sitting). Terrance Howard's ego got a little to big and he ends up appearing in this junk and meanwhile Don Cheadle is laughing his way to the bank :)

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  4. Go find lethal obsession online somewhere.... It's everything this movie tried to be but with thousands less for budget.

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    1. Oh Your God, I dont even want to think about an (even) lower budget version of this...*shudders*

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  5. This movie did suck. Low budget, nobody actors and a nasty set. Oh Well. At least its no Human Centipede.

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  6. Well, if you put it that way, you are right! ;-D
    45 min in I got so fed up that I googled this movie to see what others thought about it (actually I googled "House of Bodies voyeuristic sh***"- and I do NOT mean this as a hidden recommendation, guys - it's not "it's so bad that it's good", this is an utterly boooring movie and a waste of time) - wish I had done this earlier. Thanks Film Junkie. And to you, Terrence Howard - why???
    and I wish to expressly emphasize that this movie has nothing to do with Hannibal or Silence whatsoever!!!

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    1. Thank you very much. That's one of the Best and Nicest Comments I've ever received on this blog :D I'm glad you liked the review.

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  7. Just FYI, Terrence didn't give up the Iron Man franchise. They wanted him to take a pay cut (he 'd be getting 1/8 of his contractually agreed salary) to appear in Iron Man and when he refused and told them to honor his contract, they (including RDJ Jr.) basically replaced him with Cheedle.

    http://screenrant.com/why-terrence-howard-didnt-return-for-iron-man-2-salary/

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    1. correction: that should be "to appear in Iron Man 2".

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