Confessions of a Film Junkie: A review of “Wake Wood”
By: Brian Cotnoir
Ireland, why do you
fail so much at making horror films?
Even though I’ve only seen 3-4 Horror films that your country has
released, I’ve been bored out of my mind each time. Nothing happens for the first 80% of the
films, and then it’s not like the pay off was worth all that boredom and
frustration. Well this week Ireland, I have decided to review your “least
awful” (and I’m using that term strongly) horror movie; “Wake Wood”.
“Wake
Wood” is the story of a couple whose only daughter, Alice, is killed when she
is attacked by a dog. Her grieving
parents pack up all their things and move out to the small rural community of
“Wake Wood”. The mother, played by
actress Eva Birthistle, is beyond devastated because she is no longer capable
of having anymore children due to some “bodily complications” during her first
and only pregnancy. One night the couple
accidentally stumbles upon a bizarre and cultish ritual that goes on at the
home run by the Boss of the husband.
After asking around about the weird and mysterious things that the
couple have noticed happening around Wake Wood, the town’s residents decide
that is time that they can let Alice’s parents in on the towns dark secret: The
people in town are able to resurrect the dead—-at least temporarily. Through a bizarre and ancient ceremony the
people of the town can resurrect any person for 3 days to give their families
and loved ones the opportunity to properly say goodbye. The only stipulations are that the person
they bring back can’t have been buried for more than one year. Any family that takes part in the ceremony
must be a resident of Wake Wood and once they go through with the ceremony they
are never allowed to leave the village of Wake Wood ever again. The couple is willing to do anything to get
their young daughter back, and the town agrees to help them, but unfortunately
the couple is not entirely honest with the residents of Wake Wood and now the
whole village is out to take back their daughter before any more damage can be
done on the world.  |
| Aren't they just a, right, cheery lot? |
First
of all, everyone in this film walks around with this bleak look of melancholy
on their face. It’s like everyone in
town has depression and can only speak in monotone. They make cast of “Schindler’s List” look a
Broadway Musical cast; they’re just so depressed and detached from the
world. I can hardly recall anyone
smiling in this film. Except for maybe
when the parents got their daughter back.
Because the cast seems so bored and uninterested in the film, I feel
like I suffered from second-hand boredom of the film and lost all interest in
wanting to make it through the film—but I did, because as long as you people
continue to read my posts, I will continue to psychologically torture myself by
forcing myself to sit through these films.
 |
| Oh Yeah looks totally normal Nothing Sketchy going on here (NOT!) |
I actually found it laughable, over
how nonchalant the town is over their ceremonies, like it’s something they do
every day. There’s a scene in the film
where they walk by the mothers pharmacy chanting and banging on drums and they
just look over at her with this look that says “Oh yeah, this is something that
we do in town every week, we should probably let you know about what’s going on
real soon”. Also, the ceremony to me
doesn’t make much sense. I don’t understand why a person would want to bring
back a loved one when they know that in three days they will be taken
away. I would imagine that it would be
more difficult to lose a child a second time.
If I were to go through a ceremony like this I’d want to keep a person
alive as long as I could. Not to mention
that rule that you can never leave the town again. I can barely stand to be in the town I live
in now, I couldn’t imagine living here if I was never allowed leave again. For me the risk outweighs the reward and it
wouldn’t be worth it.
 |
| "Sometimes...dead is better". |
Nothing really exciting happens in this film until the
last 20 minutes. For audience reactions
this film depends way too much on gross
out horror (like watching a cow give birth on screen or skinning a dog) or
excessive blood loss. I swear the
residents of Wake Wood must have three times the amount of blood as normal
people, because when someone gets stabbed or attacked that stuff gushes out
everywhere. I feel like the films creators were just trying way too hard to
“shock” and “impress” its audience.
Nothing of major importance happens in this film. It’s a bland story with a weak delivery and
things happen because the films plot say so.
There’s a somewhat interesting twist to the plot at the end, but that
does absolutely nothing to save this film.
If I had to give this film a grade
I’d say it deserves a C-. You can tell
there were clear intentions that they tried to make a good film, but it wasn’t
what I was hoping for and I still found it to be very boring. My advice to the Irish is to go back to
making awesome Rock Music and leave the Horror Movie making to the Japanese and
the Scandinavian’s; they know what they’re doing.
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Nigga, You racist
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