Confessions of a Film Junkie: A Review of the film: “Everyone Says I Love You”
By: Brian Cotnoir
The year 1996 gave us the film “Everyone Says I Love You”; a musical-comedy minus the comedy. What else can I say about this film other than that it is the DUMBEST MOVIE EVER MADE! I’ve seen some terrible movies in my lifetime, but “Everyone Says I Love You” takes the cake. What is so wrong with this movie that I felt it deserved the title of dumbest movie ever? My answer; EVERYTHING is wrong with this movie. The story is stupid, the acting is terrible, the jokes aren’t even remotely funny, and this music is perfect—for something that was written in the 1930’s!
On paper this movie sounds like a pretty good idea; various age groups from young teens, to young adults, to older couples try and find love around the world. In a nutshell it’s like “The Parent Trap” meets Classic Broadway. The film actually has a lot of big name actors such as Julia Roberts, Drew Barrymore, Goldie Hawn, Tim Roth, Alan Alda, a young Natalie Portman, and Edward Norton.
Also appearing briefly in the film is a young Christy Romano (from “Kim Possible” & “Even Stevens”) singing the song “Chaquita Bannana”. Now you would think having all these big name stars in this movie would make this movie great, but it doesn’t.
The worst part of this movie (and the worst part of any movie) is Woody Allen. Allen wrote, directed, and starred in this cine-massacre as Joe Berlin, a divorced 50-something year old man living in Paris trying to find a new love in the world, with the aid of his young daughter D.J.
Other things wrong with this movie is the music. I’m probably the biggest Edward Norton fan in the world, but I will admit the man is not a great singer by any stretch of the imagination. The only person who had the common sense to not use their own singing voice in this film was Drew Barrymore (she lip-synched her parts because she said she did not have a great singing voice). Another problem with the music is the songs. Unlike many other musical-comedy’s that have original music, the music in “Everyone says I Love You”, comes from Musicals from the 1920’s & 1930’s.
Then there’s the dancing in the movie. How should I put this? I’ve seen people having seizures that are better dancers than the people who dancing in this film. Most people who dance in front of a mirror are better dancers than the dancers in this movie.
Finally, there are the jokes. The jokes in this film are not funny. There not even “wow this is so bad its funny”. A person who has had a full frontal lobotomy could tell you that this movie isn’t remotely funny. To sum it up I HATE “Everyone says I Love You”. And the shocking thing to me is people continue to praise this cinematic attrocity. The film has an 83% freshness rating on “Rotten Tomatoes” and was even nominated for a Golden Globe. This movie is an insult to film, it is an insult to musical theatre, and it is an insult to human intelligence itself. I think we should take Woody Allen out of whatever dog kennel he is staying in and put him to sleep. So do yourself a favor and DO NOT see “Everyone Says I Love You”.