Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The 10 WORST Films I've reviewed (so far)

Confessions of a Film Junkie: The 5 Worst Films I’ve Reviewed (So far)

By: Brian Cotnoir

     For those of you who follow my posts on a week-to-week basis, you already know how critical I am when it comes to reviewing films, and also how negative I can be.  I’ve made lists of my favorite films, my least favorite films, the films that have influenced me, the films that I think are the Best, and even the films that managed to disturb me.  Probably the question I get asked the most on this blog—especially after I post a negative review of a film—is “so is this [like] the worst film you’ve ever seen?”.                                    
     I have to say, I really do put a lot of thought into what I’m writing when I post a film review, and when I say I didn’t like a film, I am going to let you know everything I thought was wrong with it.  I want to help prevent people from being unfortunate to watch some of these garbage films.  In the past I have been openly vocal about how much I despise films like “Sleeping Beauty” (2011), “Caligula”, “Everyone Says I Love You”, and pretty much everything made by Uwe Boll or Tyler Perry.  But believe it or not, there are actually other films that I’ve watched and reviewed that I consider worst then these.  So here is a list of the “10 Worst Films I’ve reviewed (so far).  I can guarantee you 100% that I will do another one of these somewhere down the road, either a “10 More of the Worst films I’ve reviewed so far” or maybe, I’ll write a Retrospect on this list a year later and see if my opinions have changed at all on it.

#10.) Necrosis: Blood Snow

     So I originally reviewed “Necrosis: Blood Snow” as part of my “2-4-1 Special of Danielle De Luca”.  What makes “Necrosis” Blood Snow” so bad is that the story has no lack of focus or central story.   This film has four different subplots and they have almost nothing to do with one another.  You think, you know what’s going to happen and then they throw in a plot twist that does not pay off.  Not to mention this film tries to rip off films like “The Shining and “Dead Snow”.  You could make a drinking game out of how many half-a$$ed references are made to other much better Horror films in “Nercrosis: Blood Snow”.

#9.)  Open Graves

I can’t believe I wasted time watching and reviewing this film.  “Open Graves” is like a D-Movie version of “Final Destination”.  The script is terrible, the special effects are inferior, and the acting is just bad.  The person I feel most bad for in this film is Eliza Dushku, because to her credit she is actually a talented and likeable actress, so it confuses me as to why she is appearing in a film as bad and as moronic as “Open Graves”.  I really hope that she knew this film was going to be bad and took the role not because she wanted to be in it, but because she thought that since the film is set in Spain, she’d at least get a paid vacation to Spain for appearing in this awful film.  At least that’s what I hope.

#8.) Glen or Glenda

Yeah, I know shouldn’t be surprised that something directed by Edward D. Wood Jr.—who many people consider to be the Worst film Director of All-Time—is bad, but I feel this film gets overlooked for how bad it is.  I’ve heard so many people say that “Plan 9 From Outer Space” (another one of Wood’s films) is even Worst Film of All-Time, but I respectfully disagree.  Roughly, one-fourth of “Glen or Glenda” is the same stock footage being shown again and again throughout the film, and it looks very bad and unprofessional.  “Glen or Glenda” was also the first collaboration between Wood and Hollywood Legend Bela Lugosi.  Lugosi’s role has no effect on the plot whatsoever.  He appears at the beginning of the film, and then briefly in the middle, and he just doesn’t look like he belongs in the film; he looks like he belongs in another, much better film.  This film is semi-autobiographical and reflects Wood’s real life secret of being a transvestite.  It’s bad, and I think it’s safe to say that Ed Wood’s debut film is also his worst.

#7.)  Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet

I stand by my original review of this film: Director Frank Sabatella has the worst case of adult ADHD ever. Because that is the only logical explanation I could reach for a film that has a story that is this jumbled.  It’s not scary, it’s not an original story, and there’s more nudity than kills in this film.  Not to mention this film helped me set a personal best for accurately predicting the ending to a film I’ve only seen for the first time.  After only 8 minutes I predicted with 100% accuracy how this film was going to end.  If a guy like me—some hack Film Critic who runs his own blog—can predict an ending to a film that fast, just imagine how quickly a person as intelligent as you can guess the ending.  This film has no redeeming qualities whatsoever and it saddens me that the cast to this film includes horror movie greats like Bill Moseley and Danielle Harris.  Oh, and this film also features a Dushku (Nathaniel Dushku, older brother to Eliza Dushku who we’ve already talked about on this list).

#6.)  Chicago Massacre: Richard Speck

Okay, this is without a doubt the worst Serial Killer bio-pic ever made.  I reviewed this film as part of my “2-4-1 Special of Corin Nemic in Horror Part I” and it was painful to sit through.  This was one of three films based on a famous serial killer that Corin Nemec has appeared in, and it is without a doubt the worst of them.  This film was written and directed by Michael Fiefer who wrote and directed six straight to DVD films about the lives of famous American serial killers in a two year span.  Corin Nemec, as much as I enjoy him as an actor is terrible in this film.  He is so over-the-top and annoying in this film that it makes me want to go out and commit my own horrific crimes.  Fortunately for Mr. Nemec his acting had greatly improved by the time he played Ted Bundy in “Bundy: An American Icon” and he managed to tone down some of that over the top rage from “Chicago Massacre: Richard Speck”.

#5.) The Mooring

So.  Much. Awful!
This 2012 film is bad, and it is that it is probably the Most Boring (classified as a) “Horror/Thriller” I have ever seen.  What makes it so boring is that all the main characters are comprised of the least interesting demographic in the world: Teenage girls.  Listen to a group of 13-15 year old girls talk for about 10-15 minutes and tell me how many “interesting” things they talk about in their conversation.  Now imagine that conversation stretched out into a 90 minute film and you have an incredibly dull film.  Most of the dialogue in this film comprises of high-pitched screaming and crying.  And of course we get that great Horror cliché: villain is an evil murderous redneck for the sake of being an evil murderous redneck.  Nothing of interest happens in this film. It is a weak story, with weak dialogue, and weak characters.  Just don’t even bother with it, it’s that bad.     

#4.)  Teen Witch
Shes worst than Bella from "Twilight"

Easily, one of the Worst Films of the 1980’s, “Teen Witch” is a God awful mess of a film.  Though, I suppose it’s not entirely the film’s fault.  During the 1980’s and 1990’s a lot of successful films and television series tried capitalizing on their popularity by making and releasing shows that were made to be more girlie so it can be marketed towards a female audience.  “Teen Witch” was made and marketed towards girls in the 1980’s following the success of the Michael J. Fox film, “Teen Wolf”.  However, “Teen Witch” is nowhere near as successful as “Teen Wolf”, and it’s very apparent why.  The dialogue is moronic, the acting is second rate, and the story has a ton of plot holes.  It is boring, it is uninteresting, and I still honestly believe that this is the Worst film you could ever let your children watch.

#3.) Cool World

At least you still have a career, Brad
Oh my...this film.  This film is absolute trash!  I can’t even begin to tell you how much I despise it.  This film is half animation, half live-action and it’s like the bastard off spring of “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”.  Just to give you all an idea of how much I hate this film: when I was in college, my friends and I used to go to this local comic book shop up the street and they had a Cardboard cutout display from when “Cool World” was being shown in theatres for sale, and I can’t tell you how many times I contemplated buying it just so I could burn it.  I never did, because I had better things to spend $90 on.  When watching “Cool World” so many questions will come up, like; what the hell is wrong with Ralph Bakshi?  Why does everything he make, in regards to animation, have to be so freaking weird and unpleasant? I mean my God this film is wrong on so many different levels.  How the hell did it only garner a PG-13 rating?   It’s a good thing Brad Pitt is so damn good looking or else he would not have had a career after appearing in this film. I ranked this film #1 on my list of “Top 10 Films that make me want to punch somebody in the face” and I think the only appropriate thing to do with this film is to gather all copies of this film put it in a vault encase that vault in concrete and then dump down the deepest trench of the ocean so no one will ever be forced to sit through it or see it again.  

2.) H.P. Lovecraft’s The Tomb

Oh my...this one is a doozy.  I only reviewed this film a few weeks ago, and I felt it was more than deserving of the number two spot on this list. This film is a failure on so many different levels.  For one thing it has nothing to do with the source material that it takes its title from, in fact author H.P. Lovecraft is barely even mentioned in this film.  Another part where “The Tomb” fails miserably is that it is trying so hard to rip off the film “Saw”.  I think a group of High School Seniors could make a better adaptation than the films writer/director Ulli Lommel.  Everything about this film is cheap: the sets, the cast, the costuming, the story, the film equipment.  I think anyone who had anything to do with this film should be black listed and never allowed to work in Hollywood ever again.  I don’t think the cast and crew of this film are even qualified enough to do porn or public access that’s show bad of a film this is.  I said it before, that this is probably the Worst Straight to Video Film ever made, and it’s also one of the Worst Horror films ever made as well.  No one should ever have to be subjugated to see “H.P. Lovecraft’s The Tomb” ever, for any reason. 

#1.) Birdemic: Shock & Terror

Even Helen Keller thinks it sucks!
Wow...this film is bad!  The film’s director spent 4 years working on this film and it’s still worst then “Plan 9 From Outer Space”, worst then “Troll 2”, worst than “ThanksKILLING”, it’s worst then anything that I have reviewed so far.  This film is not a poorly done adaptation of Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds”.   “Birdemic: Shock & Terror” is like if Uwe Boll videotaped Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds” being gang raped by “The Room” and “Highlander II”.  And the scariest part of this is that I know somewhere down the road I will find something worst then “Birdemic: Shock & Terror”.  I say that because I have this theory that films can and do get progressively worst over time due to technological advances. I can forgive a film like “Plan 9...” for being bad because even with all its many MANY faults, you know that Ed Wood was trying his damndest to make a good film.  Even a film like “ThanksKILLING” I can forgive because it was made bad on purpose, but this sh!t is inexcusable.  If you cannot afford decent enough CGI effects to make your film, then don’t make it.  Put it on hold or wait till better more cost effective effects come out, but do not give me this piece of sh!t film with “actors” I’m sure you probably picked up at Starbucks and use effects that make Ed Wood’s “Hub Cap Spaceships” look like The Enterprise and market it as a modernization of a beloved classic Horror film.   The State of California should pass a law making it illegal to make or release a film as bad  or worst then “Birdemic: Shock & Terror”.  I shudder to think of the possible cine-massacre that could replace this film as the Worst Film I’ve Reviewed So far.

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