Tuesday, August 28, 2012

5 Reasons why "Teen Witch" is the Worst Film you could ever let your children watch

Confessions of a Film Junkie: 5 Reasons why “Teen Witch” is the worst movie you could ever let your children watch

By: Brian Cotnoir

It made my brain bleed!
If you were a white suburbanite child in the 80’s-early 1990’s, chances are you’ve seen this film at least once in your life. Maybe you saw it theatres?  Maybe you saw it on television during Halloween? Or if you’re like me you had an older sister who couldn’t rent a good horror movie from the Blockbuster if their life depended on it.  For the time the film was made/released this was considered a “safe” film; No Drugs, no swearing, No Sex, No Violence, and was ideal for any child who lived in a sheltering suburban Christian home.  This is easily one of the worst movies I have ever forcefully tortured myself to watch, so I hope you all appreciate that I’m trying to prevent most of you from being naïve enough to show this “harmless” movie to your children.  In all honesty this is probably the worst film you could ever let your children watch.

1.)    There are No REAL Witches in the Film

The closest thing to Witch we get in the film
You would think that with a film called “Teen Witch” the film would feature, oh I don’t know...A GOD DAMN WITCH, but no.  In this film our main character, Louise, is just told one day that she’s a witch and that she will receive her powers on her 16th birthday, and that’s pretty the biggest witch related theme we get in this film.  What’s really annoying about this is that Louise shows no real interest, initially, in being a witch.  At least in a film like “The Craft” all the girls at least show an interest or a desire to become real witches with real powers, but in “Teen Witch” our witch’s powers are limited to every day expressions being taken out of context (For example: She says to a boy; “I wish you would go away and leave me alone”, and he vanishes without a trace).  Those are some really stupid powers.

2.)    There are A TON of random and pointless scenes in this film.

This film has such a bad lay out.  There are random scenes throughout the film that take you away from the plot and then once that scene is done with they are never referenced again.  You could make a drinking game out of how many random and pointless scenes this film has.  Even children with severe A.D.H.D. would throw up their hands and proclaim “what the heck was the point of that”.  This film has countless random musical number scenes that have zero relevance to the plot.  Don’t believe me?  Click on the link below and check out this random scene in the film


3.)    This film is just insulting to Human intelligence

“Teen Witch” has horrible dialogue, countless unrealistic scenarios, and is totally un-relatable to teenagers of any generation.  That was a big theme with this film was that the people watching this film (particularly the females) were supposed to be able to relate to our main character, but everything that happens to Louise is so over-the-top and overplayed that I don’t think anybody can relate to it.  Is there any teenage girl who can honestly say that not a single person showed up to their 16th birthday party, or had parents that were so out of touch they made you wear elderly person clothes to school, or had a teacher who read an entry from her private diary aloud to the entire class?  The way teachers are portrayed in the film range from completely out of touch to just plain cruel.  This film is like a 3rd graders interpretation of what High School life is like.  “Teen Witch” is so stupid and unrealistic that I’m sure it’s what caused Bert V. Royal to have the wet-dream that inspired him to write “Easy A”.  I honestly feel insulted at some points watching this film.  I feel that “Teen Witch” is to white suburbia what “Leprechaun in Da Hood” is to the black inner city, it’s just so stereotypical and ridiculous.

4.)    “Teen Witch” teaches girls selfishness, vanity, and petty jealousy

So Louise, finds out that she’s a witch and that on her 16th birthday she will receive powers, and what does she do with her powers?  She uses her powers to make sure she has the most “stylish” clothes; she makes herself popular, and makes the most popular boy in school leave the most popular girl in school and starts dating him; those are all pretty selfish and vane things in my opinion.  Not to mention she ruined a relationship because she wanted this one boy who was in already in a relationship with another girl.  Louise doesn’t use her powers for revenge, or to teach people valuable lessons, or to help out her friends and loved ones, she instead chooses to use her new powers for her own selfish gains and desires.  What a horrible lesson to teach to a young girl.
Louise is a terrible role model in this film!


So remember how earlier in this review I said there were a ton of pointless random musical numbers, well half of those numbers are dominated by this trio of white rappers that make Vanilla Ice look like Dr. Dre!  This is probably the earliest known version of the “Wigger” and in my opinion these three boy-band rejects are the worst part of this film, and saying that you’re the worst part of one of the worst films means you’ve got to be pretty fucking horrible:  Don’t Believe me?  Just watch the Video Below and watch the horrors that ensue!


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