Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The Top 10 Movies that make me want to Punch somebody!

Confessions of a Film Junkie: Top Ten Films that make me want to punch somebody!
By: Brian Cotnoir
     This was another difficult list to compile, and not because there are so many movies that I hate, but rather because there are very few movies that I actually hate with a burning passion.  I know in some of my past reviews I’ve torn apart some films, but it wasn’t because I hated most of them, it’s because I didn’t find them very entertaining.  I usually enjoy bad movies;  “Great Balls of Fire”, “Troll 2”, and “Plan 9 From Outer Space” are just a few of the worst movies ever made that I really enjoy because they’re so poorly made and they make me laugh hysterically each time I watch them.  This list however, focuses on the Top Ten Films that send my blood into a boiling rage, the films that make me shout out and anger, and most importantly these are the films that make me want to punch somebody really, really badly.  So take a deep breath and “enjoy” the Top Ten Films that make me want to punch somebody.

#10- Selena
     Back when I was between the ages of 8-10 my mother used to drop me and my older sister off at Day Care Center during the summer and every day we got to watch only one movie and since most of the kids at this particular Day Care Center we’re young Hispanic girls, I have been forced to watch this movie more times in my life than I have ever cared to see.  I’m probably just being shallow and hate this movie for my own personal reasons rather than explaining why it’s a bad film, but you know what every time I think about this movie it makes me angry.  It used to drive me insane when all the girls would start crying at the end of this movie when Selena died because I would just sit there and say to myself “So what; she died!  She dies every time in this movie, it’s never going to change, she always will die at the end of this movie”.  What else can I say but I hate Selena, I hate her music, and I especially hate this movie that was made about her.

#9- Cannibal Holocaust
     I bought a copy of this film because I heard that it was one of the most “controversial” films ever made, and I will admit that I liked the films story and a lot of the special effects, but there were just so many unpleasant images I saw in this film that I actually thought I wasn’t going to be able to finish this film.  I did manage to make it through the entire film in just one sitting, but for a while I was convinced that the film was actually going to make me vomit—it was that disgusting at points—and the fact that the director had the cast kill live animals in the film made me shout out in fear and question the logics and ethics of so many things.  I’ve only seen this movie once (by myself) and I have no intention of EVER watching this film again.
#8- 28 Days Later
     I am a huge fan of zombie’s and zombie movies, but this film just pisses me off!  First of all, the first 20 minutes of this film focuses on some British guy walking around a virtually deserted London trying to look for survivors; that’s not entertaining that’s boring!  Secondly, I hate the “zombies” in this film.  Zombies aren’t supposed to move at the speed of light and have super-human senses they’re supposed to be slow and moronic.  Also, a REAL zombie is a deceased person who is brought back to the dead by means of mystical powers/rituals.  A Zombie is NOT made from a virus developed in a research laboratory that is released to mankind by the actions of stupid hippies!  The creatures in this film are Mutants; NOT ZOMBIES!  Not to mention this movie is incredibly boring.  I hate this movie so much; it fills me with rage!  I did however like its sequel “28 Weeks Later”, but still it’s a film about MUTANTS AND NOT ZOMBIES!!!!
#7- Easy A
     This movie is just stupid.  It’s not so stupid it’s funny and it’s definitely not so stupid that it’s kind of charming, it’s just plain stupid.  Nothing about this movie is realistic or relatable to teenagers or anyone else.  This movie spends most of the time trying to rip of director John Hughes and it is an embarrassment to itself and cinema.
#6- Boy Eats Girl
     If you haven’t seen this movie yet, don’t!  This Irish film is basically “Twilight” with zombies.  It’s not witty, it’s not entertaining, the characters are one-dimensional and bland, the story is absolute garbage, and it’s just stupid. The only thing I liked about this film was that they acknowledged that zombies are incapable of “getting-it-up”.  So unless you’re a teenage girl who has a thing for necrophilia don’t see this movie.
#5- Caligula
     I am ashamed to admit that I made it through this film in just one sitting.  I wanted to see this film because it featured Malcolm McDowell, who is one of my favorite actors, and this is without a doubt the worst movie he has ever appeared in—besides “Easy A”.  This acting in this film is just terrible, the dialogue is uninteresting and really awkward at times, and this isn’t even really a film, it’s porn; really expensive, badly made porn.  I don’t think you can go more than three minutes into this film without seeing a topless woman.  The only thing I liked about this film was the sets.  The sets were cool looking, but unfortunately when the best part about the movie is the sets you should know that the movie is absolute crap.
#4- Every Tyler Perry Movie
     I really want to punch Tyler Perry in the face.  Every movie he does has the same God damn story!  Tyler Perry should just call all his future movies “Stereotypical Black Family featuring Tyler Perry dressed as an old crazy black woman”.  How has he made so many movies with the same unoriginal story?  When Eddie Murphy dressed up like an old black woman it was funny.  When Martin Lawrence did the same thing it was kind of funny, but when Tyler Perry does it its idiotic and makes me want to hurt people.  Tyler Perry is black equivalent of Mike Meyers; he just recycles the same story over and over again and calls it something different, and the movie studios are too stupid to realize it.  The only reason why he’s not number one on this list is because I’ve never even made it through an entire Tyler Perry movie; that’s how much I hate him and his stupid movies.  Tyler Perry should be given a full frontal lobotomy so that he can never come up with another terrible movie idea ever again.
#3- Everyone Says I Love You
     I’ve already mentioned why I hate this film in a previous review so I’ll try not to go into too much detail.  I’ll just repeat my statement that it is the “Dumbest” movie I have ever seen and there’s simply nothing charming or entertaining about this movie.  I should’ve known that this movie was a hunk of shit when I found out that it was written, directed, and starred Woody Allen.  I only saw this movie because it featured Edward Norton and this is without a doubt the worst movie and worst acting job he has ever done.
#2- Antichrist
     This is another film that I’ve already posted a detailed review on why I hate “Antichrist” so if you want more specific reasons for why I hate this film then read the post (http://filmjunkieconfessions.blogspot.com/2011/01/confessions-of-film-junkie-reviw-of_15.html).  Other than that only thing I have to do is ask the film’s director, Las Von Trier, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SHOW THAT?!  I MEAN WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SHOW ALL OF THOSE HORRIBLE THINGS AND THAT SCENE WITH THE GIRL AND THE SCISSORS AND SHE STABS...GAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AND WHY?!  WHY WILLIEM DAFOE’S PENIS?!?!?!?!?!  WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SHOW ALL OF THAT?!  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!?!
#1- Cool World
     Don’t think that “Cool World” beat out “Antichrist” by a landslide in this countdown; “Cool World” won by about a half-millimeter.  The big decider on which film I hated more was that “Antichrist” had a few cool camera shots, where as “Cool World” had none.  My review on this film has already been posted in a past edition of “Confessions of a Film Junkie” so just read that if you want to really know why I hate this film. (http://filmjunkieconfessions.blogspot.com/2011/03/confessions-of-film-junkie-review-of_11.html)

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